Your Survival Guide To Dating With Herpes
Medically reviewed by Kristin Hall, FNP
Dating with herpes can be a challenging experience. While the virus is very common , finding out that you have herpes can have a significant effect on your self-esteem and interest in meeting new people.
If youve recently found out that you have herpes, or recently found out you might be considering dating someone with HSV-1 or HSV-2, its vital that you stay positive. With the right combination of medication, conversation and understanding, its still very possible to form and maintain normal romantic relationships.
In this guide, well cover the essentials of dating with herpes, from coming to terms with the fact that you have the virus to disclosing herpes to your partner, educating them about the virus and reducing your risk of transmission.
For the most part, well focus on genital herpes , rather than oral herpes. However, the information provided below is relevant regardless of your herpes infection type.
What Can We Do To Reduce My Chances Of Getting The Herpes Infection
If you take the necessary precautions, the chances of getting the herpes virus from your partner are reduced. Genital herpes does not mean abstinence from sex or a reduced enjoyment of sex.
The risk of transmitting the herpes virus can be reduced by about 50% if you use condoms. The continued use of condoms in a long-term relationship is a personal decision that only the couple can make. Most find that as the importance of the HSV infection in their relationship is seen in perspective, that condom use becomes less relevant if this is the only reason condoms are being used.
However, most couples choose to avoid genital skin-to-skin contact during an active episode of herpes because this is when the herpes virus is most readily transmitted. This period includes the time from when your partner first has warning signs of an outbreak, such as a tingling or burning in the genitals, until the last of the sores has healed. Also, sexual activity prolongs the healing of the episode.
Herpes transmission risk is increased if there are any breaks in the skin. For example, if you have thrush or small abrasions from sexual intercourse, often due to insufficient lubrication. It can be helpful to use a lubricant specifically for sexual intercourse and avoid sex if you have thrush. A sexual lubricant is helpful right at the start of sexual activity.
If you or your partner has a cold sore, it is advisable to avoid oral sex as this can spread the herpes virus to the genitals.
Tips For Dating & Cold Sores
Dating, or starting a new relationship can be one of lifes most exciting times. Its kind of like a really long road trip with the windows down and plenty of Instagram-worthy sights along the way.
But if youre like the majority of the population, you have probably had a cold sore and you get them from time to time. However, that shouldnt make a new relationship feel like its beginning with a big bump in the road. You may be feeling afraid of talking to your partner about having a cold sore, or even dating someone with a cold sore. However, dating with cold sores is possible, if youre open and honest about it.
In fact, telling your boyfriend or girlfriend about cold sores is only as big a deal as you make it. Because the truth is:
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What Are Signs And Symptoms Of Herpes
There are two types of HSV:
Symptoms develop 2-20 days after the initial exposure to HSV. Initial signs may include:
- Itching, burning, pain, or tingling around the mouth or genitals
- Sores or blisters around the mouth or genitals
Other signs and symptoms may include:
Learn More About Living With Genital Herpes
Worried you might have herpes? Our guide to HSV-1 and HSV-2 covers almost every aspect of living with herpes, from prescription medicine to over-the-counter treatments, the signs and symptoms of the virus, herpes statistics and more.
If youre concerned that you may have caught genital herpes from a partner, be sure to read our guide to the signs and symptoms of genital herpes. And if you’re interested in getting tested for herpes, we have you covered there, too.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment. Learn more about our editorial standardshere.
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Dating Someone With Herpes Simplex 2 Ideas
Dating Someone With Herpes Simplex 2. A herpes diagnosis can actually help you separate the wheat from the chaff. And certainly is not a barrier to true love.
Avoid sexual relations before, during, and after outbreaks. But it is a skin condition that comes and goes.
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Dating With Herpes: A Word Of Advice
When it comes to dating, everyone, in some way, has someform of handicap.
Whether its mental or physical , no one is perfect. If youvejust contracted herpes, going back into the dating world can be daunting. Itslike this one event split your whole dating experience into two halves:pre-herpes and post-herpes.
Now, not only do you have to deal with all of your regular, run-of-the-mill insecurities, but you also have to tell your partner that you have genital herpes.
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Is It Worth Dating Someone With Herpes
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How Has My Partner Caught Genital Herpes
If your partner has only just been diagnosed as having genital herpes, this does not necessarily mean that he or she has been unfaithful to you, or sexually promiscuous in the past.
Your partner may have caught genital herpes from you. It is possible that you carry the virus without knowing that you have it since up to 80% of people who have been infected with HSV-2 have either no herpes symptoms or such mild symptoms they are unaware they have the herpes virus. So it is very easy for you to have unwittingly transmitted the infection to your partner. The symptoms of the infection vary greatly between individuals it might be totally unnoticeable in you but cause severe blistering in your partner.
Since the genital herpes virus can be transmitted through oral sex as well as vaginal sex, it is also possible that your partner caught the virus from a cold sore on your mouth or face. Remember, it is possible you can pass the herpes virus on even if you didnt have a cold sore present at the time of contact.
Alternatively, your partner may have contracted the herpes virus from a previous sexual partner, perhaps even several years ago. The herpes virus can remain inactive in the body for long periods, so this may be the first time it has caused symptoms.
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Are Any Other Treatments Effective Against Genital Herpes
The antiviral drug Aciclovir was the first therapy which had been shown conclusively to be effective in treating genital herpes. New antiviral drugs have become available which work in a similar way to Aciclovir, are more effective and require less frequent dosing to treat or suppress the recurrence.
These are not available in New Zealand. Recent studies using an HSV-2 vaccine are showing some promise in both the prevention and transmission of HSV-2. However, these are still in the developmental research stage and will not be available commercially for some years.
Many people find that having a healthy diet, eating regularly and getting enough sleep are helpful in preventing recurrences.
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Should You Date Someone With Herpes
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Discussing Genital Herpes With Your Partner
Many people do not feel comfortable talking about sexuality and sexual health issues. This information will explore ways of feeling more confident in discussing herpes in the context of a sexual relationship.
Cold sores on the mouth and genital herpes are medically the same conditions. The significant difference arises from the stigma that tends to accompany a herpes infection that is sexually transmitted.
Most people find that their partners are both supportive and understanding. It is a common assumption to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes. However, for most this is a minor skin infection. People fear the possibility of rejection but the reality of this is that it rarely happens.
Because fear of rejection is a concern, it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes. Accordingly, some people choose not to tell. Instead, they abstain during herpes outbreaks, practice safe sex at other times, and hope for the best.
This strategy may have more disadvantages than advantages. First of all, you spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes. Its much harder to tell someone if they just found out theyre infected with herpes. For most people, the anxiety over not telling your partner you have herpes is worse than the telling itself.
If you are able to discuss the situation openly and honestly, you can find imaginative ways to be safely sexually intimate.
How Do You Tell Someone You Have Herpes
The hardest part of telling your partner may be deciding how to broach the subject. The specific words and phrases you use will depend on what kind of relationship you’re building. In general, though, don’t stress too much about having herpes. Your partner may even divulge that they also have herpes. And if they have the same type of the virus as you, they can’t get “reinfected,” Dr. Baldwin stated.
You could start the conversation by mentioning cold sores, then move into the subject of herpes. You could also start by saying you want to be honest in the relationship, or that you want to discuss safe sex. “It can be a very difficult conversation to have, but you should be honest and straightforward,” Dr. Baldwin recommended.
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What It Means For Partners
Your partner has genital herpes. Your support is very important in helping you and your partner to understand what this means. When your partner goes back to the doctor, you may wish to go too, so that you can find out more about the herpes infection. In the meantime, here are answers to some questions you may have.
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Broaching The Topic Of Genital Herpes
The first date after a genital herpes diagnosis may seem a little strange, however. If you hope to be sexually intimate with your date at some point, you may feel like you’re keeping a secret. If you are one to be candid with people, you’ll want to blurt it out. Don’t. There are some things you should reveal about yourself right away — for example, that you’re married, or that you’re just in town for the week — but some things are better left for the appropriate moment.
It’s up to you to decide the right time to tell a date that you have genital herpes. Follow two rules: First, don’t wait until after having sex. Second, don’t wait until you’re just about to have sex — in which case the attraction may be too strong for either of you to think rationally and act responsibly.
If in the past you tended to start a new relationship with sex, you now might want to change your approach. It might be better to break the news about herpes to someone who has already grown attached to you. Kissing, cuddling, and fondling are safe, so you don’t have to tell before you do that. But use your best judgment as to how physically intimate you want to get before telling. One thing could lead to another, and you might find yourself in an awkward situation.
Your Dating Life Is Not Over Because Of Herpes
That should be your new mantra. Say it with me: âMy dating life is not over.â âMy sex life is not over.â Youâre going to be able to figure this out along with the other millions who are navigating the same thing.
Itâs important to understand that genital herpes and oral herpes are very common. Genital herpes affects about 20 percent of the adult US population. While oral herpes affects roughly 50 to 80 percent of the adult US population. Herpes is one of the most common infections in the United States. That means millions of people live with this virus and get on with their bedroom escapades responsibly.
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Avoid Withdrawing From Your Partner
A sudden outbreak can be disappointing, especially if you were looking forward to an intimate evening.
But its important to remember that your worth isnt tied to your diagnosis. Youre still the same person, outbreak or not.
If you dont truly believe this, your words might reflect your self-judgment, and you might end up pulling away or conveying the message you do have something to feel embarrassed about .
Instead of saying something like:
- We cant have sex tonight I understand if you dont want to come over after all.
Try something like:
- Tonights a no-go for sex, so lets cuddle up with a horror movie.
The second validates the reality that you still have a lot to offer in the way of companionship. And dont forget, a hot makeout session can be pretty sexy. Think of the tension youll build up!
Sex is an important component in many romantic relationships, but it shouldnt be the only thing keeping your relationship going.
To help your relationship thrive, practice connecting with your partner in other ways.
You might try:
- sharing goals for the future
- simply existing in the same space
Experts agree this simply isnt true. The virus doesnt live long once outside the body, so the risk of transmission is very low in these scenarios.
Soap and water kills the virus, so if you touch sores to apply medication, all you have to do is wash your hands thoroughly afterward.
Herpes & Std Dating Community & Support Resource For Positive Singles
When you have , , , Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Chlamydia, or another , you may feel like you are alone in the world. PositiveSingles is a place where you don’t have to worry about rejection or discrimination.
At PositiveSingles, we have been helping people with STDs find love and support since 2001. This is a warm-hearted community exclusively for singles with Herpes and other STDs. Whether you are living with Herpes, HPV, HIV/AIDS or any other STD, at PositiveSingles you can find new friends, a potential spouse, community support, and get on with your life.
PositiveSingles is the world’s best, largest, completely anonymous, and most trusted online dating site for people with Herpes, HPV, HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Chlamydia, and other STDs. We have 60,000+ dating success stories, 2,550,000+ monthly conversations and 20,000+ monthly blog posts.
We also understand you may be concerned about your privacy. You are not required to submit any information that makes you uncomfortable. All your personal information remains private and anonymous until you decide to take things further. Everyone with an STD is welcome at PositiveSingles regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender.
There are over 110 million people living with STDs in the US, with an estimated 400 million people worldwide – you are not alone!
and connect with more than one million singles like you now!
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