How Do You Tell Someone You Have Herpes
The hardest part of telling your partner may be deciding how to broach the subject. The specific words and phrases you use will depend on what kind of relationship you’re building. In general, though, don’t stress too much about having herpes. Your partner may even divulge that they also have herpes. And if they have the same type of the virus as you, they can’t get “reinfected,” Dr. Baldwin stated.
You could start the conversation by mentioning cold sores, then move into the subject of herpes. You could also start by saying you want to be honest in the relationship, or that you want to discuss safe sex. “It can be a very difficult conversation to have, but you should be honest and straightforward,” Dr. Baldwin recommended.
How I Learned To Date Again After My Herpes Diagnosis
My herpes diagnosisâ
The pain was excruciating. It hurt to walk. I dragged myself to the pharmacy. Thankfully, it was a Saturday and my little boy was visiting his grandparents for the weekend. I had called into work a few days ago when I was coming down with the flu. At least I thought it was the flu.
Thatâs what it felt likeâ: âfever, chills, sore throat, pounding headache. But I knew something was very wrong because the lymph glands in my groin were swollen, it hurt to pee, and my genitals were covered in blisters. Maybe this was just another UTI , but a more severe one? I had convinced myself it had to be anything other than what my doctor told me.
I pulled up to the drive-thru. It was pouring rain. Please donât let the cute pharmacist be here today, please donât let the cuteâââ
The cute pharmacist came to the window with my prescription. This time, his usual grin was replaced with a forced smile. He noted that this was a new medicine for me and asked if I had any questions. I just looked down, shaking my head in shame. I shoved some cash through the drawer and sped away.
When I arrived back home, I ripped open the pharmacy bag and pulled out a tall bottle filled with big blue pills labeled Valtrex, which is an antiviral. The doctor had written, âtake three times daily for herpes outbreak.â Really? She had to write that?â
Learning to date and have sex again after my herpes diagnosis took time. â
I made peace with my diagnosis. â
When Should I Disclose My Diagnosis
If youre using a herpes dating site, the answer is pretty easyyou have an easy way to disclose it upfront on your profile in a community that is 100% filled with people who are going to be accepting.
If youre dating singles who dont have herpes , the question becomes when is the right time to share.
Lets start by working backward. You 100% have to share before you have any sexual contact or get in a situation where you may be tempted to have sexual contact. The other person has a right to know before they run any risk of contracting it. And the reason you want to do this even before you get in a situation where you may be tempted is weve heard a lot of stories of people who planned to tell but got caught up in the moment and didnt say anything for fear of rejection.
As long as you tell before these situations, youre not going to be wrong. That being said, there are more optimal times, especially if youre not planning on having sexual interaction for a longer period of time.
While its completely up to you, heres our take. The first date is a little soon to bring up something like this. Youre just seeing if there is any chemistry and if there is even a point to go deeper with someone. Again, this is assuming youre not going to be having sexual intimacy on the first date.
Again, no matter what, make sure you disclose your diagnosis prior to even the temptation of something happening where transmission could be possibleno matter how low the risk.
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Is It Okay To Break Up With Someone Because They Have Herpes
Yes, of course it is. Its okay to break up with someone for any reason. You can break up with someone because their mother is awful or because of the weird way they eat ice cream or because they have different job and family aspirations than you. Youve got free will here.
Consider that you might be walking away from a relationship thats worth the added complication of herpes. People are not defined by their sexually transmitted infections and neither are relationships. If what you have with that person is something special, then letting herpes end it is something youll regret.
The reason: its just so incredibly possible to be dating, or living with, or married to someone who has herpes. For the vast majority of the days in your lives, herpes will be a non-issue.
Dont run scared because of the stigma of herpes.
Chances are, attitudes about herpes will change in the coming decades. As a kid, I remember reading in the Bible about the way lepers were treated and thinking how foolish it was that these people were marginalized because they were believed to be unclean and contagious. Are the conditions we stigmatize today much different?
If you do decide to go separate ways because of herpes, my suggestion is to be as respectful as possible.
What does that mean? Don’t ghost her. You think she’s never seen a guy drop off the planet before after she very responsibly told you this incredibly intimate situation? Be one of the good guys, talk to her.
What Do I Need To Know About Dating With Herpes
Some people feel like their love lives are over when they find out they have herpes, but its just not true. People with herpes have romantic and sexual relationships with each other, or with partners who dont have herpes.
Talking about STDs isnt the most fun conversation youll ever have. But its super important to always tell partners if you have herpes, so you can help prevent it from spreading.
Theres no one way to talk about having an STD, but here are some tips that may help:
Keep calm and carry on. Millions of people have herpes, and plenty of them are in relationships. For most couples, herpes isnt a huge deal. Try to go into the conversation with a calm, positive attitude. Having herpes is simply a health issue it doesnt say anything about you as a person.
Make it a two-way conversation. Remember that STDs are super common, so who knows? Your partner might have herpes too. So start by asking if theyve ever been tested or had an STD before.
Know your facts. Theres a lot of misinformation about herpes out there, so read up on the facts and be prepared to set the record straight. Let your partner know there are ways to treat herpes and avoid passing it on during sex.
Tell your past partners too, so they can get tested.
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How To Tell Someone You Have Herpes
Bobby Lazzara someone tell can manage hsv enough to reduce the number of outbreaks and minimize the dating of transmission to future sexual partners. He says herpes outbreak prevention may involve taking a once- simplex twice-daily antiviral medication, and the treatment of active outbreaks involves topical treatment, an antiviral medication, and sometimes a painkiller. Since this news can come as a shock, it and be difficult tell process have of the diagnosis and treatment information in one appointment. Between your appointments, create a list of questions you have about your diagnosis. Here are a few tips to help you tell a sexual partner that you have herpes.
Here are some tips to help you and your partner stay safe during sex. Have though most people are only shedding the virus for a have period of time, Mysore says you cannot with eliminate the risk. Taking a daily antiviral can help suppress the virus as well as the asymptomatic shedding, says Harbushka.
One study found that taking an antiviral daily can reduce transmission. This strategy is not appropriate for everyone, but may dating reasonable for some people with genital herpes. Lazzara stresses the importance of consistent and correct condom use, which can provide significant protection against the spread of herpes. Hsv, avoiding sexual interaction while experiencing an active herpes outbreak will also minimize the risk of transmission.
Are Herpes Dating Sites Safe
Many sites ask or require you to upload a copy of a photo ID to verify your identity. Once your profile is verified, it displays a verification badge to let other users know that your profile is authenticated.
Some desktop sites include a quick exit button for discreet browsing. If you are interrupted and need to leave the site quickly, click the button for a fast exit.
Edit privacy settings
All herpes dating sites allow you to edit your privacy settings in your profile. These settings vary from site to site, but this option allows you to decide how and by whom youd like your information to be viewed.
Many herpes dating sites show up on your bank statement under a different name to preserve your privacy. That way, someone who sees your statement wont know youve paid for a subscription to a herpes dating site.
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Preparing To Talk To Partner
Before you talk about herpes and sexual health with a partner, make sure you are prepared to address any misinformation or misconceptions he or she might have. How well informed are you? Do you know the basic steps to reduce the risk to your partner? Do you know the facts about herpes? You want to feel confident and knowledgeable before you can explain the infection to someone else. Be prepared with information from ASHA and other reliable sources.
Can I Date People Without Herpes If I Am Positive
Yes, you can date people who dont have herpes if you have a positive diagnosis. There are absolutely going to be people who are not comfortable with it, and that is okay. A lot of your success will depend on how you approach the situations, how transparent and communicative you are, and the types of singles youre looking for. Well get into all of that and how to do it better later on in this guide.
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Your Dating Life Is Not Over Because Of Herpes
That should be your new mantra. Say it with me: âMy dating life is not over.â âMy sex life is not over.â Youâre going to be able to figure this out along with the other millions who are navigating the same thing.
Itâs important to understand that genital herpes and oral herpes are very common. Genital herpes affects about 20 percent of the adult US population. While oral herpes affects roughly 50 to 80 percent of the adult US population. Herpes is one of the most common infections in the United States. That means millions of people live with this virus and get on with their bedroom escapades responsibly.
Keep It In Perspective
First and foremost, its important to keep in mind the relative importance of all this. If you were asked to describe yourself and highlight the most important aspects of you and your life, herpes wouldnt make the list. Its something you deal with, but it doesnt define who you are as a person.
In the grand scheme of things, genital herpes is an inconvenience for most couplesnothing more than that. Keep this fact in mind and keep your language positive. Your attitude will also have a lot of influence on how the news is received. If you are positive and upbeat, its more likely your partner will adopt the same attitude. Try not to let the anticipation of a possible negative reaction affect the delivery of your message.
Remember too that this should not be treated as a confession or some kind of admission that you have done something wrong. It is what it isa sexually transmitted infection. The bottom line is that sexual activity is a natural act that most everyone will have at some point in their lives. With sexual activity anywhere by anyone, there is some level of risk.
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Heal Yourself Before Dating Others
Before you think of welcoming someone into your life, you have to ask yourself if you are someone you can date yourself. Therefore, its imperative you heal yourself inwardly and emotionally, get a counselor, create time to prepare your diagnosis and acknowledge it.
Tolerating yourself is an absolute necessity before conversing with another person about whatever you are presently living with. The individual you are having this dialog with will regularly take cues on how awful it is from you. For instance, if you just go about showing Herpes is the highest awful thing on earth, they will probably believe it is the most terrible thing on earth. However, if you go about your daily activities as though is not a big deal, your potential partner will probably make some inquiries from you, and reasonably conclude that you are still great and totally worth it. The kind of impression you give matters.
Know When It’s Safe To Kiss
One of the main anxieties that comes while dating with cold sores is wondering whether you can spread your HSV-1 infection to your date.
Kissing and oral sex are two of the most common ways HSV 1 & 2 spreads from person to person. Unfortunately, oral herpes can spread even when cold sores aren’t present. This is due to a phenomenon called asymptomatic shedding.
This doesn’t mean you can never kiss again. HSV-1 spreads much more easily during an active outbreak, so you shouldn’t pucker up until the skin around your mouth looks completely healthy again. You can also take steps to prevent cold sores from forming in the first place if you know you have a night out coming up:
So while you should refrain from kissing when you have a cold sore, you can take steps to create the safest environment possible for a smooch.
Dont Be Afraid To Get Emotionally Intimate
An open and honest conversation about your diagnosis can require emotional intimacy that may be scary to have in a new relationship. Harbushka says to relax and realize that it can be sexy to communicate with your partner about sex and other important intimate topics.
With the right information and adequate protection, you can still enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. Here are some tips to help you and your partner stay safe during sex.
Basic Facts About Herpes
- There are two main types of herpes simplex virus: HSV-1, most commonly associated with cold sores, and HSV-2, most commonly known as genital herpes.
- While HSV-1 mainly causes oral herpes, it can also cause genital herpes and be transmitted through oral sex.
- Most oral and genital herpes infections are asymptomatic ââ that means you can be living with herpes but never experience an outbreak.
- Symptoms of herpes include painful blisters or ulcers at the site of infection.
- While there is no cure for herpes, the disease is quite manageable with antiviral treatment and topical creams.
- Herpes is most contagious during symptomatic outbreaks, but it can still be transmitted without symptoms.
While this article is focused on how to live with herpes, you can learn more about the actual herpes virus here.
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When Are Cold Sores Contagious
Youre most likely to spread the virus when you have symptoms. These include blister-like sores in and around your mouth. For many people, a tingling sensation or itch precedes a visible outbreak.
Cold sores usually heal within seven to 10 days. But, says Dr. Anthony, that doesnt mean contact is entirely safe afterward. You can shed the virus even when you dont have any lesions. Its less likely, but theres still a risk.
Avoid Withdrawing From Your Partner
A sudden outbreak can be disappointing, especially if you were looking forward to an intimate evening.
But its important to remember that your worth isnt tied to your diagnosis. Youre still the same person, outbreak or not.
If you dont truly believe this, your words might reflect your self-judgment, and you might end up pulling away or conveying the message you do have something to feel embarrassed about .
Instead of saying something like:
- We cant have sex tonight I understand if you dont want to come over after all.
Try something like:
- Tonights a no-go for sex, so lets cuddle up with a horror movie.
The second validates the reality that you still have a lot to offer in the way of companionship. And dont forget, a hot makeout session can be pretty sexy. Think of the tension youll build up!
Sex is an important component in many romantic relationships, but it shouldnt be the only thing keeping your relationship going.
To help your relationship thrive, practice connecting with your partner in other ways.
You might try:
- sharing goals for the future
- simply existing in the same space
Experts agree this simply isnt true. The virus doesnt live long once outside the body, so the risk of transmission is very low in these scenarios.
Soap and water kills the virus, so if you touch sores to apply medication, all you have to do is wash your hands thoroughly afterward.
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